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1 Year Today…

John 3:16

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son”
This bible verse has always been my very favorite. It’s words have always touched me as a parent, a mother. Losing a child is the hardest thing that any parent ever has to endure. No matter the circumstances. And ironically, 3/16/16, is exactly the day that Noah chose to leave all the pain behind. The following letter is a little something that I wrote to Noah and that I chose to share with you.

 

My beautiful boy,

How can it already be one year since I’ve held you in my arms though it seems like it was just yesterday?  Oh, how I miss you! Everything about you! You must have had a reason why you chose to leave this earth while we were away. It’s not for me to understand. I want you to know that I’m so proud of you. You left on your own terms after being forced to go through so much, probably against your will. You didn’t want to go to the hospital and you knew exactly who you wanted around at the end. You wanted your beloved abuela, Josefina by your side and Lightning McQueen on your TV. You planned all this because you know that if I was with you that I wouldn’t have let you go. I would’ve begged God to take me too, though I did that anyways…I sometimes envy Josefina because she got to see you alive for those last few moments, however excruciating it was. I was here when you entered this world and I wanted to be holding you when God decided that you’d endured enough and finally called you home.

I miss you…your fuzzy earlobes, your shy, crooked smile, the way that you would say, “No thank you!” when I had to force you to swallow your 15 medications one by one, the way that you loved grocery shopping and watching the Food Network even though that horrible disease unfairly robbed you of the ability to swallow any food, even your beloved chocolate and paozinho. I miss the way that you sang, OH, OH, OH, when singing your favorite song, Sweet Caroline while fist pumping into the air. The way that you worshiped Isaac and would do anything to please your big brother and the funny way that Izzy got under your skin. I miss all of these!!!

I miss your quiet grace. The way that you would dutifully put out your arm when the nurses needed to draw blood, even though I know you hated it and all the bruises they left behind. You were so brave! I miss the way you’d call me Mumma. It melted my heart. When I close my eyes really tight I can still hear your still, small voice calling out to me. Though I wish that I could open them and you’d be right here. Oh, the way that you’d tell Madeline, Nikki and Josefina that they were all fired, then weakly utter “stupid” under your breath and laugh when they would say that they heard you! You could always brighten up our days. You loved to get all dressed up especially with a suit and the way that you’d tell me “Mumma, you look so bootiful.” What I wouldn’t give to hear that just one more time…

Noah, you are my best friend. My soul mate. The only one who truly knows my inner most thoughts and prayers. The one who I longed to see each and every day. I loved to walk into your room and watch you peacefully sleeping. Now all I see is your empty wheelchair. When no one was around, I’d climb around and over your tubes and wires to lay next to you, kiss your face and read stories. I can also vividly remember my quiet whispers into your ear when I’d see that you just about had enough. “Noah, please don’t stay for me. Mommy will be alright. I’ll take care of Isaac and Izzy. Please go if you need to…”  God knows how much it hurt me to say that to you but that’s how much I love you….thiiiis much !

I thought that I’d never say this but I even miss all of the nonstop beeping of all of your machines because hearing them would mean that you’d be here with us. All this comes from a selfish need in my heart. To still have you here would mean that you’d still be in pain, fighting for every breath and heartbeat. I never wanted to see you suffer one minute longer than was necessary though I miss you physically. Your cute faux hawks that daddy would give you from time to time, your lavender lotion after your baths, your beautifully full lips and big “cow” eyes, your chubby fingers and cheeks.I miss everything!

Now, I’m left to visit your grave though I know you’re in a much better place, with Isaac and Isabella and many times alone. On good days I make it out of the car and other times I need to keep my tears to myself. I always talk to you and I pray that you can hear me! Izzy loves to fix up your Cars and flowers while Isaac whispers to you privately. Secrets between brothers…Noah please watch over all of us. We need you! “ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy while skies are gray.” Remember that song? I know you do. Noah, please say hi to Jesus for me and save a spot right besides you. I’ll be there when Jesus decides it’s my time. But, until then I’ll miss you with every breath I take. I’ll speak your name with immense pride with every chance I get and I’ll never let your memory and legacy to the community die. Rest in eternal peace my love.

I love you thiiiis much !!!!!

Love,
Mumma

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